Management lessons

Lesson Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Learning:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

************************************************** Lesson Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Learning:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

********************************************** Lesson Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Learning:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

WIFE 1.0

Dear Software Engineer,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This phenomenon was not included in the Product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Party 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance 'n' Drunk 2.0 & Bachelor Party 7.77.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the UN-install does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General protection Fault in module House Security. The UN-installation will abort."

Can you help me? Please!!!

Regards,

Desperate Husband

REPLY

Dear User,

Ref: Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a Primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself; I might also suggest you read the entire section Regarding General Partnership Fault's (GPFs).

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5, which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible Damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Software Design Engineer.

Marketing Fundaes

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's Very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband

That's Demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ----she is your wife!

That's competition eating into your market share…..

The basic laws of life that work out at every point of time

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

O'brien's Variation Law :If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

BELL'S THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water , the telephone rings.

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are withsomeone you don't want to be seen with.

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

BREDA'S RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

OWEN'S LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

HOWDEN'S LAW: You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

Cheits lament: If u help a friend in need he is sure to remember you, the next time he is in need.

Dennistons law: Virtue is its own punishment

Dennistons corollary:

1. If you do something right, some one will ask you to do it again.

2. Virtuous action shall never go unpunished.

Pinto's law: Do some one a favour and it becomes your job

The Da Machi Code

Robert Lingam I.P.S (Vijayakanth) visits Madurai to deliver a lecture in college about public safety. The head pujari of Meenakshi temple is murdered. He was stabbed to death, but before dying he lies down in the robotic break dance position next to a Shiva lingam, the message clearly being "call Robert lingam". He had also smashed the breasts of a goddess statue and hung a bell with a chain from her hip. Also clutched in his hand is the Congress party manifesto with the 49% reservation for OBC’s underlined with his blood.

Pujari's grand daughter Mahalakshmi (Sneha) had just returned from USA with a degree in cryptology, symbology, singing and group-dance. She cuts short her weekend trip to Chennai and returns to Madurai upon the murder.

She meets Commissioner Lingam at the murder site and together embark to solve the murder and in the process "witness the biggest cover up in Hindu history". "My 'Thaatha' used to insist that me and my brother play hide and seek inside the temple", said Mahalakshmi.

"Why the congress manifesto? Why the underlining on the reservation part? Was your thaatha going to lose his job as head-priest to an OBC candidate?",puzzled look on Lingam's face with knit eyebrows."Thaatha always said reservation was plain bull sh**".

"What?" "Bull sh** - very rarely he used English but whenever this topic used to come up, he would use that term". Lingam's eyes lit up. "That's the clue...yes, bull sh**, oh Rama how did I miss that", excited he clutches Mahalakshmi's wrist as they bolt out of the murder scene.

"Where is the biggest Nandi bull statue in this temple complex?" "by the east gate"

"Let's go".................

Lingam put his hand into the orifice which was the a**hole of the Nandi bull statue. His fingers felt the cold touch of an ancient palm leaf. Pulling it out Lingam attempted to read under the flickering light of the solitary lamp post nearby. Neatly written in outdated Tamil script were the lines, "Kai Anchu, Vaai Nooru Periya bookukule oru chinna book".

"Ah", Lingam sighed.

"What does it mean?"

"I have heard both these lines before...but in a very different context" Lingam looked skywards for some divine intervention to help him solve this new clue. Towering into the skyline in front of him as dawn was breaking, was the tall gopuram of the temple. Quickly turning around, a smile danced on Lingam's lips as his sight fell on all the five towers. "The five towers, phallic symbols...the five Pandava brothers, we need to get to a library, I need to see the original copy of the Kamasutra", "this early in the morning?" asked Mahalakshmi as they hurried towards Lingam's jeep.

As they jeep hurtled towards the town library, Lingam explained, "Few temples in India are famous for their erotic art and architecture.The kings built those to encourage population growth. For centuries, there has been rumours of a secret society that guarded a secret behind such art and symbols, a secret so powerful that if revealed would shake the very foundations of conservative culture."

COMING SOON TO A SCREEN NEAR YOU.... WITNESS THE GREATEST COVER UP IN HINDU HISTORY A SECRET SO DEVASTATING THAT IF REVEALED COULD LEAD TO EVEN MORE CATACLISMIC POPULATION EXPLOSION.....WAS THE MOST NOTORIOUS PIECE OF INDIAN LITERATURE ORIGINALLY PART OF THE GREATEST EPIC POEM EVER WRITTEN? WERE THE MEN AND WOMEN OF THE KAMASUTRA THE SAME GODS AND GODDESSES GLORIFIED IN ANCIENT TEXTS? CONTINUING WITH THE MODERN INDIAN TRADITION OF BLATANTLY APING THE WEST....

A.M.RATNAM PRESENTS

CAPTAIN in

THE DA MACHI CODE

'SO CORNY A DARK MAN'

PONGAL 2007 Release

Disclaimer: I have copied this from an email and pasted it here, just because it is extremely funny. I am willing to make a statement at the beginning calling it fiction. Please do not protest. I hold no responsibility what so ever for any hurt sentiments. Read at your own risk.

kidnap....

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play round". Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardar ?!"

How did man get 100 years of life

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed (sigh again). On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty,okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So this is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing;for the next forty years we slave in the sun tosupport our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Chuttalochharu

Oka aadivaaram podduna,oka intlo mogudu pellam koorchuni Doordarshan choostunnaru.Intalo inti munduki oka gaadida vachhi aravatam modalupettindi. Choosi choosi bharta annadu chiraagga "Yeme ,nee chuttam vochhindi.Sangati yento choodu" Bharya yemanna takkuva tindaa? Ventane lechi gummamm daggariki velli "Randi randi attayyagaaru.Meerokkare vachhara?Maammayagaaru raaleda?"andi. Ante, bharta gaari moham lo katti vetuki netturu chukka ledu.